This year has been the most difficult of my life so far, suffering with depression, self-harming, contemplating taking my own life and hurting family & friends with many of my actions. It is a place I never thought I would ever end up, but I have, I am by far ‘cured’ (if there is such a thing) but with lots of help over the past few months I have a better understanding of what has been happening to me, I have learnt to notice some signs of when I’m not feeling to well and I now have the reassurance of a ‘crisis plan’ that I can reach for should I need too.
With a much clearer head and the ability to concentrate and think again, I was able to ask myself the question who am I, who is James? I was asked this question a few times in the earlier months of when I was struggling, but as many people who suffer with depression know, it’s hard to think what day of the week it is, let alone how you see or define yourself and existence. Over the last week I have thought lots about what defines me and who I am, the most important and obvious to me now is being a good husband & dad to the most precious 3 girls in my life, the ones that have kept me here. Another thing that I believe defines me is my work ethic and ability to go for my dreams and what I want to achieve. In my younger years I constantly had to battle to prove I could make it in the rowing world, many times I was told I wouldn’t make it, I wasn’t the right, size, shape build, but every time I got on the water or in the gym, I kept proving people wrong and earning my rewards, most importantly I didn’t take ‘No’ for an answer. Lastly, I feel I have courage again, maybe it was there all along, maybe I had just suppressed all my courage, I don’t know? But I’ve always had courage deep down, the courage to get myself out of bed and into school, knowing I may face another day of bullying, the courage to push my body to its limits to reach that Olympic dream, the courage to openly talk about my battles with a mental illness and now the courage to take the leap of faith a dive into the world of Personal Training, where I can use my talents to not only help others, but to lead my life the way I want, to put my ‘never give up’ work ethic into action & become successful at something I love again.
Work is a huge part of our lives, but for me I stand by the saying “work to live, don’t live to work”. Work in some ways is a little like air and water, we need these two elements to stay alive, and work isn’t much different, we need to work so we can do the things we love and enjoy with family & friends. We spend many hours working so there has to be some element of enjoyment to what we do for work, doesn’t there? For me it does, if you don’t enjoy what you do then this is of course going to have a negative impact on your mental wellbeing, you dread getting out of bed, days drag and life drifts away. My wife always says “you’re not a tree, you can move”, she is so right when she says this, moving jobs & changing careers can be a very daunting thought for many and may also seem risky for many too, but at the end of the day, what is really the worst that can happen? You change jobs again? For me entering the working world after spending practically all of my adult life as an athlete, hidden away & protected from normality has been so hard, it is something I was completely unprepared for & had no help thinking about. I thought I had a plan in place, but life has an amazing way at throwing many unexpected hurdles in the way which you just aren’t prepared for, as an athlete you generally have a plan for training or racing, but you also have a plan for the “what if’s”, what if the time of a race changes? What if you find yourself in a position in a race you didn’t expect to be? You prepare your mind for these ‘what if’ scenarios do take place, in the real life working world this is just not possible. So for me I have had times since retirement from sport where I feel completely lost and can’t figure out to get myself back on track. I’m not saying that I know how to deal with these unexpected hurdles yet, but I now realise that I should expect the unexpected and part of my learning curve and therapy will be to learn how to cope with such events.
Besides work and our actual jobs are our employers & colleagues. WOW, just WOW!! Living as an athlete you are surrounded by likeminded people with a same or similar motivation to you, the same drive, the same passion the same desire to be the best you can be. Work life is almost the complete opposite, in my view there are 4 types of people, Leaders, Plodders, Complainers, Achievers.
Leaders, I have come across two types of leaders, those that know what they are talking about, respect their team, help their team to do the best they can and take responsibility. Unfortunately the other leader I have come across is actually a dictator, has no respect for their team, is unhelpful and is only in their role because they love the feeling of power & authority, just to be clear this isn’t a leader and is the reason why I find myself changing jobs!
Plodders, I love the plodders and actually have a lot of respect for them, they don’t love their job, neither do they hate it, they are content (something I sometimes wish I could be), they go in do their job & get out, they don’t take the stress home & don’t let it affect their lives, these are the people that define the saying ‘work to live’.
Complainers (rolling my eyes right now), these are the people my wife would scream at, “YOU ARE NOT A TREE, YOU CAN MOVE!”, these are the people that always want more. They don’t like their job & let you know about it, but can’t be bothered to do anything about, they’re the ones that always want a pay rise or feel hard done by, but actually they don’t really do anything to deserve it, they do what they are required to do but want rewarding for it. I don’t get these people.
Achievers (I think I just made this word up, but you all know what I mean), the people who are willing to put in the time & effort to progress in what they do, they have the patience to know that good things come to those who wait, they have clear steps & they generally want to progress so they can enjoy the finer things in life.
For a while, I definitely fell under the Complainer category, I’m sorry to those whose ears this fell on. But I put this down to my loss of courage & hard working ethic that my employer completely drained me of.
Today was my first full day with MHR Fitness, I have officially left my job as an Installation Manager and begun the journey of becoming a PT. I was in the gym at 06:30 this morning setting up for my first session of the day when it really dawned on me, I no longer had to go into an office that I was dreading daily, going there made me feel so negative and down, I felt trapped and unable to express who I really am. For the first time in a very long time I had a big grin on my face because I felt so relaxed, content and that I had control over my own life again. Granted I had an easy day to settle in, but I had the freedom to schedule in other activities to benefit my family and myself, studying, training myself, walking the dog, picking my eldest daughter up from school. For this I owe some big thank you’s, Sophie for helping me get to where I have by spending so many hours on her own because I have been studying, Mark (my colleague) for taking the time to speak with a random stranger on a random day in Starbucks, which got the ball rolling to joining MHR Fitness, and lastly Max for giving me the opportunity to join these two great guys, all their existing clients and to offer me the support to bring out the real James again.
Finally, before I sign off…if you are struggling with a mental health illness or even if you are having a bit of a hard time and feel lost, try to think about who you are and what defines you as a person, but, don’t put pressure on yourself to answer that question straight away, it can take a lot of time and I almost felt pressured into answering that question because quite a few people asked me. Maybe keep a diary or even just make a note on your phone, when thoughts come into your head about something you like, enjoy or even something that made you smile. I did this and found these random positive thoughts that entered my mind were actually the small pieces of a 1000 piece puzzle that I’m eventually starting to piece together.
And remember, work to live, don’t let work dominate your life and have a negative impact on your mental health, I’m not saying quit a job and find a new one straight away, but try speaking to people at work first to see if anything can be done to bring enjoyment back or make each day more tolerable.
jamesfoad 