As it turns out, it is pure luck that I am getting to write this blog now during Mental Health Awareness Week, I have had this in my diary since the end of April to write, but what with the added pressures lockdown has bought I’ve only just got round to it, let’s just say fate has allowed it to be perfectly timed.
It’s absolutely insane to think that I/we are now at the end of our 9th week in lockdown, for my daughter this is the end of her 10th week away from school & her friends. If someone had told me at the beginning of the year this would happen, one I wouldn’t believe them and two I’d think that mentally it would crush me to the ground. Surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly this time has really helped me grow some of those buds back and start to blossom into myself again.
Let’s rewind to a year ago. I was experiencing the most terrible pain of my life, that pain was in my head, no one could see it, no one could put a plaster on it and fix it and those close to me (including myself) didn’t understand it or what was going on. Days at a time were not in my memory at all, I couldn’t remember things that I’d said or done, I couldn’t even hold a conversation without my mind completely switching off, my mind was entirely dissociated from this world and would go somewhere unknown to me. During this time, I made several attempts on my life, regularly self-harmed and could get myself in such a state that I would just disappear from home. Fortunately for my family and myself, those attempts were unsuccessful, I sought help fairly quickly when I reached the pinnacle of despair, which undoubtedly saved my life and started to clear the overgrowth in my mind, so I could once again think a lot clearer and start to be myself again.
“Just be aware this doesn’t happen overnight; it has been over a year for me to reach a far more peaceful point in my life and stop battling negative & horrendous thoughts in my mind”
What has changed in the last year? I’ve accepted that I was in a very depressive state of mind and that I was letting my negative thoughts control me & my actions. I’ve also answered a question that I was asked very early on, but let it be known ‘you cannot answer this question truthfully until you are able to think clearly by managing positive and negative thoughts’. That question is “who is James and what is important to you”, lockdown has allowed the pace of life to slow down, and allowed me to put the finishing touches to my response:
“I’m a husband to a very strong, talented, driven and caring lady. I’m a daddy of two beautiful, loving, charismatic, daring little girls. I’m an Olympian, which shows I have the drive to achieve great things and strive for something I care about. What is important to me now is not so materialistic, it is getting to see and appreciate the happiness on my families faces every day, watching my girls grow together and become best friends, seeing tears of laughter in their faces at the most ridiculous thing, not missing one smile, one laugh, one silly moment, one tantrum and being there for that moment when they really need me”
For anyone reading this, fighting their own battles, constantly having their heads filled with negative thoughts, feeling like you have no one. YOU DO, you are important to someone, hell you’re important to me, I know what it’s like to feel alone and scared and as I write this it saddens me to think other people have these feelings and thoughts, I get a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. Speak to someone, write an email, a letter, a text message, anything, just let someone know.
So how have I coped through ‘Lockdown’? Fortunately, I was just finishing my last session of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) during week 1 of lockdown. CBT was like going all the way round a roundabout and back on yourself to find that correct turning you missed miles ago. In my honest opinion, everyone, even if you do not suffer with a mental health condition would benefit from CBT sessions. It has taught me and made me realise that we constantly get thoughts go in and out of our heads all day long, that it is completely normal and natural to get negative thoughts, it’s just learning and being able disregard the thoughts we need and act on the thoughts that are important to us, or actually worth our time and effort. It has also taught me that not everyone thinks in the same way and it is very important to slow the pace of your thoughts and responses down, to be able to appreciate and understand thoughts or actions of others, before we jump down their throats and tell them they are wrong.
As with anything mental health related, nothing happens instantly. You can’t go to 6-8 CBT sessions and be cured. It is about building yourself a toolbox. A toolbox which allows you to manage your mental health conditions and thoughts. Finishing these sessions at the start of lockdown has almost been perfect for me, a huge test to put my new tools to work and see how effective they are. I’m not going to lie, the first couple of weeks were tough, a huge adjustment to life, living in very close quarters with my family, which I have never done, every minute, every hour of every day. I thought it would be easy to put these new skills and tools to work, how very wrong was I. I tried my hardest, but the frustration and anger grew into a raging forest fire in my chest and throat, I was feeling completely disregarded by my family, I as though I was existing in the house, not really needed. It led to a few days where I completely broke down and blew up in an explosion of anger. But over the weeks, I’ve quietly been practicing with my new tools, none of my family would have seen it, I slowly put them to practice in my mind, try to slow my negative thoughts and reactions down so I can respond in the correct manor. I still get it wrong now and then, of course I do, we all do, we are human and have very similar traits, just on varying levels. I have learned that we shouldn’t punish ourselves for these mistakes constantly, apologise to who ever you may have upset, reflect on where or how you could have handled the situation better and then learn from that mistake.
Here we are then, at the end of week 9 in lockdown. Restrictions are slowly (not as slow as I thought they would) being lifted, people are returning to work, children likely to start being integrated back into school, shops, cafés, restaurants, fast food chains are all starting to re-emerge again, which is good for our children’s education and economy. But here’s the big question, why are we in such a rush to return to ‘normal’, is that ‘normal’ such a good thing? Now I’m not saying, let’s keep everything closed and stay at home forever, I appreciate this time has been hard for the whole country and world. People have lost jobs or are desperate to get back to work and earn a living, but as individuals why are we in a rush to return to our normal? When I look at my life before now, I constantly felt like I was in a rush, to get the kids ready for school as quick as I could and ship them out the door, not taking the time to sit with them at breakfast and enjoy their imaginations for half hour or so. I was constantly in a rush to strive for more and more and more in my career, instead of enjoying what I had, the freedom I had and the extra time I had. I was always looking for the next big project or thing to buy, which actually I didn’t need. Most importantly I always felt like I needed to be out of the house all the time and we needed to go out as a family to enjoy ourselves and have fun, when actually we have a beautiful house, that we all enjoy spending time in and the children have everything they need and want all the time. My children have made me realise that our house is more than a house, it’s our treasure, it’s our playground, it’s the place where we are going to create and make the best memories.
For me, I want to take what I have learnt from this lockdown period through the rest of my life and not rush to get back to ‘normal’. I’ve decided I don’t really like that ‘normal’, that I am a far better person when I am much more relaxed, not putting unnecessary pressures on myself and my family and generally having better control of my mind and life. I can’t speak for everyone; we are all different, but I think a lot of people could take this mantra forward after lockdown restrictions are lifted, we could all do with making sure we don’t put those unnecessary pressures on ourselves, it can only do our mental health the world of good.
jamesfoad 